Lord, I trust you

The past 3 months have been a roller coaster of emotions.. Elated to devastated to peaceful. There are so many emotions that I feel like God has allowed me to feel.. mostly frustration. Not so much with Him but with myself. I keep having these break throughs of peace and love from the Lord only to be clouded with an attack from Satan. Here's my thought process.. I don't deserve God's love no one does that's why it's the most beautiful gift.. It can never be repaid or earned. Nothing we DO will ever be enough to say "Lord, look at what I've done I should be rewarded with..." We have already received the ultimate gift as believers. This I grasp and do my best to cling to. However, there is this spirit of doubt and fear that creeps in and tells me that I don't deserve the things that my heart desires and you will never be able to experience motherhood. For some insane reason this is easier for me to believe...
And it crushes me.
I keep thinking and planning my life like I have control of it.. which I obviously (thankfully) do not. And it actually has made me sick and many times state of panic. This is not going to defeat me.So just this past Friday I was making the drive to work and the Holy Spirit spoke some words onto my heart and they have been words that I have clung to for the past 5 days and I think I will forever. "Lord, I trust you" pretty simple.. words we've probably repeated before. In times like this, it's hard to relinquish trust when it would be so easy to attempt to take control... Over and over I repeated these words, "Lord, I trust you.. Lord, I trust you" I began to realize that this was not a statement that I said with confidence in fact it brought me to tears of the little trust that I have in my Lord and Saviour. These words scare me (if I'm being completely honest). I am so scared that the Lord has this whole other plan for my life that has nothing to do with my plans.. (once again the fear creeps in) And so I repeat "Lord, I trust you.. Lord, I trust you". It's such a peaceful statement, even if you're trying to convince your own self.
I've been trying to research in the Word and find encouragement where ever I can. One of my favorite leaders is Beth Moore. She has experienced so many things and has found the light of the Lord through them all. She is a better leader and woman because of her trials. I couldn't sleep last night and found her blog http://blog.lproof.org . And I read many of her posts and stumbled upon what I was seeking.The Lord led me to this passage and it gets me so fired up. Big Sisters and Little Sisters was all about one generation passing on encouragement to a younger generation. You can read for yourself Beth's passion. In her post at the end, she encourages readers (all ages) to remember to be in the Word (it is our light).. specifically requests to read Psalm 25. I read some of the comments and found myself dozing off. It wasn't until today at work that I was speechless and brought to tears of my Father's love for me (again). Psalm 25 

Of David.

¹ In you, Lord my God,
I put my trust.

² I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

That was enough for me....

But the entire passage just leaped to my heart, tore down my fear, demolished my doubts, and freed me to my Lord. HELLO! What have I been praying for the past 5 days? I do NOT believe in coincidences. However I do believe in this GREAT MAGNIFICENT God that knows exactly what my heart desires and exactly what reaches the depths of my soul. These moments remind me that "Lord, I trust you" even if I try to take back control of my life my God knows that He has me... right in the palm of His righteous hands. I do not deserve His love or His signs.. nothing I do will ever make me worthy of anything BUT through His son Jesus, our precious Jesus, that debt is already paid. He is my gracious Giver, who delights in our praises.

⁸ Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
⁹ He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
¹⁰ All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
¹¹ For the sake of your name, Lord,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

Thank you Jesus.. for blessing me with everything that I do not deserve. 
-E